According to my šš¢š«šš” certificate, I turn 30 this year. It’s weird because part of me still feels 18 and part of me feels 283, but the actual age I currently am is 29. I’ve heard people say that your thirties are “the most fun!” So I’ll definitely keep you posted on my findings on that when I know. But until then, I thought I’d share some lessons I’ve learned before reaching 30, because it’s 2019 and sharing is caring.
ONE
I learned to block some of the noise. Social media can be great, but it can also inundate your brain with images of what you arenāt, how youāre failing, or who is in a cooler locale than you at any given moment. One thing I do to lessen this weird insecurity laser beam is to turn off comments. Yes, I keep comments off on my posts. That way, Iām showing my friends and fans updates on my life, but Iām training my brain to not need the validation of someone telling me that I look š„š„š„. Iām also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to āgo die in a hole hoā while Iām having my coffee at nine in the morning. I think itās healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist. An actual comment I received once.
TWO
Being sweet to everyone all the time can get you into a lot of trouble. While it may be ššØš«š§ from having been raised to be a polite young lady, this can contribute to some of your lifeās worst regrets if someone takes advantage of this trait in you. Grow a backbone, trust your gut, and know when to strike back. Be like a snakeāonly bite if someone steps on you.
THREE
Trying and failing and trying again and failing again is normal. It may not feel normal to me because all of my trials and failures are blown out of proportion and turned into a spectator sport by tabloid takedown culture (you had to give me one moment of bitterness, come on). BUT THAT SAID, itās good to mess up and learn from it and take risks. Itās especially good to do this in your twenties because we are searching. Thatās GOOD. Weāll always be searching but never as intensely as when our brains are still developing at such a rapid pace. No, this is not an excuse to text your ex right now. Thatās not what I said. Or do it, whatever, maybe youāll learn from it. Then youāll probably forget what you learned and do it again…. But itās fine; do you, youāre searching.
FOUR
I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body. I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy. I think a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting, but taking it too far can be really dangerous. There is no quick fix. I work on accepting my body every day.
FIVE
Banish the drama. You only have so much room in your life and so much energy to give to those in it. Be discerning. If someone in your life is hurting you, draining you, or causing you pain in a way that feels unresolvable, blocking their number isnāt cruel. Itās just a simple setting on your phone that will eliminate drama if you so choose to use it.
SIX
Iāve learned that society is constantly sending very loud messages to women that exhibiting the physical signs of aging is the worst thing that can happen to us. These messages tell women that we arenāt allowed to age. Itās an impossible standard to meet, and Iāve been loving how outspoken Jameela Jamil has been on this subject. Reading her words feels like hearing a voice of reason amongst all these loud messages out there telling women weāre supposed to defy gravity, time, and everything natural in order to achieve this bizarre goal of everlasting youth that isnāt even remotely required of men.
Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love Iāve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.
SEVEN
My biggest fear. After the Manchester Arena bombing and the Vegas concert shooting, I was completely terrified to go on tour this time because I didnāt know how we were going to keep 3 million fans safe over seven months. There was a tremendous amount of planning, expense, and effort put into keeping my fans safe. My fear of violence has continued into my personal life. I carry QuikClot army grade bandage dressing, which is for gunshot or stab wounds. Websites and tabloids have taken it upon themselves to post every home address Iāve ever had online. You get enough stalkers trying to break into your house and you kind of start prepping for bad things. Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love Iāve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.
EIGHT
I learned not to let outside opinions establish the value I place on my own life choices. For too long, the projected opinions of strangers affected how I viewed my relationships. Whether it was the general internet consensus of who would be right for me, or what they thought was ācouples goalsā based on a picture I posted on Instagram. That stuff isnāt real. For an approval seeker like me, it was an important lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.
NINE
I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimmās cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos becauseā¦2016.
TEN
Iāve always cooked a LOT, but I found three recipes I know Iāll be making at dinner parties for life: Ina Gartenās Real Meatballs and Spaghetti (I just use packaged bread crumbs and only ground beef for meat), Nigella Lawsonās Mughlai Chicken, and Jamie Oliverās Chicken Fajitas with MolĆ© Sauce. Getting a garlic crusher is a whole game changer. I also learned how to immediately calculate Celsius to Fahrenheit in my head. (Which is what Iām pretty sure the internet would call a āweird flex.ā)
I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying āThis happened to me.ā
ELEVEN
Recently I discovered Command tape, and I definitely would have fewer holes in my walls if Iād hung things that way all along. This is not an ad. I just really love Command tape.
TWELVE
Apologizing when you have hurt someone who really matters to you takes nothing away from you. Even if it was unintentional, itās so easy to just apologize and move on. Try not to say āIām sorry, but…ā and make excuses for yourself. Learn how to make a sincere apology, and you can avoid breaking down the trust in your friendships and relationships.
THIRTEEN
Itās my opinion that in cases of šāÆšual assault, I believe the victim. Coming forward is an agonizing thing to go through. I know because my šāÆšual assault trial was a demoralizing, awful experience. I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying āThis happened to me.ā Itās something no one would choose for themselves. We speak up because we have to, and out of fear that it could happen to someone else if we donāt.
FOURTEEN
When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way youāve never dealt with before, itās okay to say that you donāt know what to say. Sometimes just saying youāre so sorry is all someone wants to hear. Itās okay to not have any helpful advice to give them; you donāt have all the answers. However, itās not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour. Your support is all someone needs when theyāre at their lowest point. Even if you canāt really help the situation, itās nice for them to know that you would if you could.
FIFTEEN
Vitamins make me feel so much better! I take L-theanine, which is a natural supplement to help with stress and anxiety. I also take magnesium for muscle health and energy.
SIXTEEN
Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I donāt know…get to know someone! All that glitters isnāt gold, and first impressions actually arenāt everything. Itās impressive when someone can charm people instantly and own the room, but what I know now to be more valuable about a person is not their charming routine upon meeting them (I call it a āsolid first 15ā), but the layers of a person you discover in time. Are they honest, self-aware, and slyly funny at the moments you least expect it? Do they show up for you when you need them? Do they still love you after theyāve seen you broken? Or after theyāve walked in on you having a full conversation with your cats as if theyāre people? These are things a first impression could never convey.
SEVENTEEN
After my teen years and early twenties of sleeping in my makeup and occasionally using a Sharpie as eyeliner (DO NOT DO IT), I felt like I needed to start being nicer to my skin. I now moisturize my face every night and put on body lotion after I shower, not just in the winter, but all year round, because, why canāt I be soft during all the seasons?!
EIGHTEEN
Realizing š¤š©šŖšš„hood scars and working on rectifying them. For example, never being popular as a kid was always an insecurity for me. Even as an adult, I still have recurring flashbacks of sitting at lunch tables alone or hiding in a bathroom stall, or trying to make a new friend and being laughed at. In my twenties I found myself surrounded by girls who wanted to be my friend. So I shouted it from the rooftops, posted pictures, and celebrated my newfound acceptance into a sisterhood, without realizing that other people might still feel the way I did when I felt so alone. Itās important to address our long-standing issues before we turn into the living embodiment of them.
NINETEEN
Playing mind games is for the chase. In a real relationship or friendship, youāre shooting yourself in the foot if you donāt tell the other person how you feel, and what could be done to fix it. No one is a mind reader. If someone really loves you, they want you to verbalize how you feel. This is real life, not chess.
TWENTY
Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships. Something about āweāre in our young twenties!ā hurls people together into groups that can feel like your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe theyāll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever. Itās sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but youāll always keep the memories.
TWENTY-ONE
Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you donāt look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, youāre doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.
TWENTY-TWO
How to fight fair with the ones you love. Chances are youāre not trying to hurt the person you love and they arenāt trying to hurt you. If you can wind the tension of an argument down to a conversation about where the other person is coming from, thereās a greater chance you can remove the shame of losing a fight for one of you and the ego boost of the one who āwonā the fight. I know a couple who, in the thick of a fight, say āHey, same team.ā Find a way to defuse the anger that can spiral out of control and make you lose sight of the good things you two have built. They donāt give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers.
Thereās a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. Iām really grateful to have learned this isnāt true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.
TWENTY-THREE
I learned that I have friends and fans in my life who donāt care if Iām #canceled. They were there in the worst times and theyāre here now. The fans and their care for me, my well-being, and my music were the ones who pulled me through. The most emotional part of the Reputation Stadium Tour for me was knowing I was looking out at the faces of the people who helped me get back up. Iāll never forget the ones who stuck around.
TWENTY-FOUR
Iāve had to learn how to handle serious illness in my family. Both of my parents have had cancer, and my mom is now fighting her battle with it again. Itās taught me that there are real problems and then thereās everything else. My momās cancer is a real problem. I used to be so anxious about daily ups and downs. I give all of my worry, stress, and prayers to real problems now.
TWENTY-FIVE
I make countdowns for things Iām excited about. When Iāve gone through dark, low times, Iāve always found a tiny bit of relief and hope in getting a countdown app (theyāre free) and adding things Iām looking forward to. Even if theyāre not big holidays or anything, itās good to look toward the future. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed in the now, and itās good to get some perspective that life will always go on, to better things.
TWENTY-SIX
I make countdowns for things Iām excited about. When Iāve gone through dark, low times, Iāve always found a tiny bit of relief and hope in getting a countdown app (theyāre free) and adding things Iām looking forward to. Even if theyāre not big holidays or anything, itās good to look toward the future. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed in the now, and itās good to get some perspective that life will always go on, to better things.
TWENTY-SEVEN
I learned that disarming someoneās petty bullying can be as simple as learning to laugh. In my experience, Iāve come to see that bullies want to be feared and taken seriously. A few years ago, someone started an online hate campaign by calling me a snake on the internet. The fact that so many people jumped on board with it led me to feeling lower than Iāve ever felt in my life, but I canāt tell you how hard I had to keep from laughing every time my 63-foot inflatable cobra named Karyn appeared onstage in front of 60,000 screaming fans. Itās the Stadium Tour equivalent of responding to a trollās hateful Instagram comment with ālol.ā It would be nice if we could get an apology from people who bully us, but maybe all Iāll ever get is the satisfaction of knowing I could survive it, and thrive in spite of it.
TWENTY-EIGHT
Iām finding my voice in terms of politics. I took a lot of time educating myself on the political system and the branches of government that are signing off on bills that affect our day-to-day life. I saw so many issues that put our most vulnerable citizens at risk, and felt like I had to speak up to try and help make a change. Only as someone approaching 30 did I feel informed enough to speak about it to my 114 million followers. Invoking racism and provoking fear through thinly veiled messaging is not what I want from our leaders, and I realized that it actually is my responsibility to use my influence against that disgusting rhetoric. Iām going to do more to help. We have a big race coming up next year.
TWENTY-NINE
I learned that your hair can completely change texture. From šš¢š«šš”, I had the curliest hair and now it is STRAIGHT. Itās the straight hair I wished for every day in junior high. But just as I was coming to terms with loving my curls, theyāve left me. Please pray for their safe return.
THIRTY
My mom always tells me that when I was a little kid, she never had to punish me for misbehaving because I would punish myself even worse. Iād lock myself in my room and couldnāt forgive myself, as a five-year-old. I realized that I do the same thing now when I feel Iāve made a mistake, whether itās self-imposed exile or silencing myself and isolating. Iāve come to a realization that I need to be able to forgive myself for making the wrong choice, trusting the wrong person, or figuratively falling on my face in front of everyone. Step into the daylight and let it go.