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Black humour in the face of extinction: ‘A Year in the Life and Death of the Melbourne Rebels’

From the beginning of pre-season in November 2023 year, Geoff Parkes embedded himself into the Melbourne Rebels, intending to provide rugby followers with insight into what makes a professional franchise work.

What followed was an extraordinary turn of events: the club tipped into voluntary administration early in 2024, now not only fighting to compete on the field but against a governing body seemingly intent of shutting it down.

All of it – happenings on and off the field – has been documented and brought to life in the book, ‘A Year in the Life and Death of the Melbourne Rebels’. It will be released on Tuesday, October 29, available in paperback and e-book format on all major book retail sites including The Nile, Amazon, Booktopia, Kobo and others.

Chapter Twenty-Nine2nd April, 2024

Anyone aspiring to be a professional rugby physio should not to expect to spend their mornings sleeping in. Head of medical, Katherine Rottier and her team of Kristian Waller and Simon Lumb, are on deck at 7.30am, conducting the daily ritual known as physio screening.

It’s a routine check through of newly injured players, those who might be on the borderline of returning and anyone the physio or high-performance teams believe isn’t quite operating at 100% and have a watch on.

On a typical morning, there might be eight or nine players undergoing screening. Yesterday during Monday’s training, prop Matt Gibbon picked up a knock to his calf. This morning he’s put through a physical inspection, and after a brief chat, it is agreed that he will sit out today’s training session. Gibbon is confident he’ll be fit for this Friday night, but the sensible precaution is to hold him back and reassess things tomorrow morning.

Rottier, an experienced physio of 18 years standing, including two years with the Chiefs and two-and-a-half years with the NZ Sevens, has seen it all a thousand times before. “Players invariably downplay their injuries,” she says. “At first, they’re mostly looking for reinforcement from us that they haven’t done anything too serious, that will keep them out for too long, but after that, once they start to feel like things are on the improve, it’s only natural they want to get back as soon as possible.

Our job is to be dispassionate. Of course, the players want to play. The coaches want them to be available. But they also need to know the players will be at their best over the full eighty minutes. Anything less than that, then it becomes too risky for the team.”

It’s clear there’s a complexity to Rottier’s position that isn’t immediately obvious to anyone looking from the outside. “This role really tests your analysis and decision-making s𝓀𝒾𝓁𝓁s,” she says. “On top of that, I have a management element with my staff and the doctors, and obviously, with everything that’s going on this year, that’s quite challenging. I enrolled in a ‘Women in Management’ course which I found useful, and as part of that they encourage you to connect with a mentor in the workplace.

So, Moana (Leilua) has been really supportive and [Nick Stiles] as well; nothing is too much. The real benefit though, is being able to have career progression in terms of management, while still being able to remain hands on.”

Where a void exists is around the formal, co-ordinated approach similar to what is in place amongst coaches and S & C staff around the country. “That led a few of us to organise a ‘What’s App’ group for physios and medical staff at the franchises, where we can share information or reach out for assistance or advice on matters. Which I did when Brad (Wilkin) hurt his hamstring, asking for opinion around surgery versus management for that particular grade of injury. That group must have triggered something, because the Wallabies physio, Kieran Cleary, has just set up another group, we’ve just had our first meeting, and with Peter Horne coming in as high-performance head, all of that feels like a positive step forward.”

There’s an extra edge around Rebels HQ this week. With successive home matches against two sides occupying the same section of the points table – the Drua and the Highlanders – everyone knows the next fortnight will be season defining.

Lachie Anderson, sporting a new Grace Jones look with ten stitches across his right eyebrow, will sit out this week as part of the concussion return-to-play protocol. He knows exactly what’s at stake. “It’s massive. They’re both eight-point games,” he says.

Win both, and in the process, stunt the progress of two sides competing for the same finals spots, and the team will go to their bye week within touching distance of cementing their first ever finals series in a full Super Rugby competition. Lose one or both, and the second half of the season, with matches against three more New Zealand sides looming, becomes an entirely different proposition.

Nick Stiles has the forwards huddled in close. It’s no surprise to anyone to find that the scrum has been deemed their pathway to success against the Drua. He rolls video, one clip after another. Scrum penalties won against the Drua in the pre-season trial match. Scrum penalties conceded by the Drua against the Force, last weekend.

“See what happens when you stay low and long against these guys? They stand up!” Stiles exhorts. “It doesn’t mean we go overboard on the push and fall asleep. We know Frank (Drua halfback, Frank Lomani) is going to take off. Eyes open at all times. We keep our shape and we keep the effort on.”

Brad Harris expands on the same theme – Lomani’s unpredictability and speed off the mark. “The Drua have scored six tries this year from quick tap and runs. That’s easily first in the comp. It’s another set piece for them. What does that mean? It means that if you’re penalised, don’t concede quick access to the ball. Nothing silly, but hang on to the ball. We need to buy four, five, six seconds. Everyone else, get square, and get back ten. We have to be urgent.”

Harris pinpoints another Drua strength, supported by a graph showing when their tries are scored. “They power surge. Look how many back -to -back tries they score. One followed immediately by another. They feed off positive emotion. Know that when we get scored against they will come in waves. If they score, take that time to connect. Embrace it. Then when we kick off, take that power surge away from them by muscling up.”

Team instructions are interspersed with messages for individuals. A slide features Wilkin, in chef mode, offering a full rack of bar-b-que ribs for the player who makes the best clean-out in the match.

In the 45 minutes before training starts, the physio room becomes a hive of activity. This is Rottier’s office and there is no question that the players respect that boundary. But it’s also a safe space for them; a place where, having built up personal relationships with physios during countless strapping and massage sessions, they are able to express themselves more freely than they might to one of the coaches.

As Baden Stephenson says, “If I ever wanted to know the mood of the club, get a handle on what’s really going on with the players, that’s where I’d go. The physio room.”

In that respect, Rottier is upfront about how the situation surrounding the club impacts upon the demeanour of players. “Everyone’s got a lot more used to it now, so we’ve all kind of figured out how to deal with things. My staff all have young families so we’ve been very upfront about talking the truth about dealing with the uncertainty or how the future might look, and if anyone needs to secure a new position somewhere else, how they’d be fully supported.

“With the players, mostly they deal with it through black humour. Which is fine if that’s what we need to get through it. But because we get groups of players in here on match days and training days, everyone is very conscious about staying focused on the rugby, and so that kind of thing isn’t spoken about. On non-training days, or with the rehab group, where the pace might be a bit slower and there’s more time, that’s more where those deeper conversations are happening and the concerns are being expressed.”

Comparing this Rebels group with the New Zealand players she worked with, Rottier observes how; “Everyone talks about differences in performance and perhaps conditioning between New Zealand and Australia, but one key difference I would point to is how the players here at the Rebels – and I don’t know what it’s like in the other states – have a much lower sense of entitlement. One way that manifests itself is in how players here commit to rehab. If we need them to come in, even if that’s a designated day off, they’ll gladly do it, and not only that, they tend to hang around the club, around the environment, for much longer.

“Whereas in New Zealand, I’d find it almost impossible to get a player to come in if they were entitled to that designated day off. I’m sure some of that is because in New Zealand your team is on the news every night, whereas here it’s a very different mentality. That’s good in some ways, because I don’t think it’s always healthy to put young sportspeople up on pedestals, but on the other hand, that lack of publicity for rugby here in Melbourne, definitely isn’t helpful.”

When it comes to game day, there is a set order for players so that they have certainty around their preparation and aren’t forced to stand around waiting, but on training days, it’s first in, best dressed.

“We have our regulars,” says Rottier. “Some players can’t put a boot on without being strapped first. Others reserve it for game day only, and other players again, we hardly ever see them unless they have an injury. And then, there are all the idiosyncrasies – some players firm, some soft, some haggling over the music.”

This morning it’s U2’s Beautiful Day that fills the small, windowless room, causing an upbeat Lukhan Salakaia-Loto to proclaim that it is indeed a beautiful day and this training session will be the best of the year.

On the adjacent bed, Pone Fa’amausili stands to have his knee strapped, while Taniela Tupou parks himself on the end of it. More than 250kgs of prime Rebel beef is quite a test, but the bed manufacturer, Metron, passes with flying colours.

As it happens, Salakaia-Loto is off the mark – coach Foote is disappointed with a number of loose aspects of the training session.

“Some of the things we’re getting wrong in games; accuracy around handling, line-out… the precision still isn’t there,” he says, mildly annoyed.

The session is busier for the physios than they would have liked. With the eye of a hawk, Rottier spots young squad member Timma Fainga’anuku cop a stray knee to the head at a ruck, and momentarily stumble. It’s not much, but it’s enough for her to pull him off immediately, and have him enter concussion protocols. Due to fly later in the day to Brisbane, to play in club rugby over the weekend, Fainga’anuku is disappointed to know he won’t be going anywhere.

Darby Lancaster pulls up a little proppy, feeling at a groin. He’ll shower and have lunch, then undergo a post-training exam.

Darby Lancaster. (Photo by Josh Chadwick/Getty Images)

At least he gets to have lunch. Rottier misses out, called into a meeting with Luke Vella, Taniela Tupou and two gentlemen who arrived earlier in the morning to observe training.

New Wallabies coach Joe Schmidt keeps a respectful distance from proceedings. Of slight build, his status and reputation provide him with undeniable presence. In tow is renowned scrum guru Mike Cron, who has this morning been announced as the new Wallabies scrum coach. Having flown in last night from Christchurch, from where he will continue to live and commute, Cron divulges how he relishes the opportunity to work with a group of players in Australia who, while not short of talent, have considerable upside.

Schmidt is not there to read the riot act to Tupou, but to get across where Australia’s star prop’s body and mind are at. Loaded up with huge amounts of game-time at the Queensland Reds, Tupou suffered a leg injury at the World Cup – a setback which has seen him off the pace fitness wise, compared to his teammates. A niggling wrist injury has only compounded matters, and while there has been improvement over the last couple of weeks, through appearances in a limited bench role, Tupou is still playing through pain.

Rottier and Vella are there to provide support to their player and candour to Schmidt about where they see things. It turns out they’re hardly needed. Tupou speaks honestly about his ailments and impediments, and convincingly about what he wants to provide for the Wallabies and how he intends to go about getting there.

Like boarding schoolboys summonsed to the headmaster’s office, a mini-procession of other players also make their way in to sit with Schmidt. The meetings are brief – of the ‘keep up the good work’ or ‘I’d like to see more of x and y’ variety as opposed to anything too deep and meaningful. For most of the players, especially inside centre David Feliuai, the real value comes with just knowing that they are on the radar. Players who aren’t called in get a message about where they stand, as well.

Schmidt’s final meeting isn’t with a player, but with Rebel’s assistant coach Geoff Parling. It’s essentially a final job interview, with a line-out coach the remaining piece of the Wallabies coaching puzzle to be filled.

As Parling sits in a room selling his wares to Schmidt, there is another arrival in the office – Taylor Whyte, an Irishman who connected with the club in 2023 as an unpaid intern, doing the rounds before he returns to his homeland.

He’s a popular visitor, copping handshakes, backslaps and well-wishes all around the office. Popular because the staff are happy to see him alive.

In December, with pre-season in full swing, in an effort to inject energy into team-building activities, Parling arranged for staff to race-off in a Bronco, complete with Stawell Gift-like handicaps, for the players to watch, laugh at, and bet on. Whyte, slight and lean, was one of the favoured runners, but finished out of the money, out of breath and distressed.

By the next day, Whyte was in the emergency department at the Alfred Hospital, suffering from an enlarged spleen – an infection in his heart pumping tainted blood around his body. An extended stay in hospital followed, leading to open-heart surgery in January, where he had two valves replaced.

Since the event, Parling has copped plenty of ribbing, stretching to accusations of attempted murder. Stiles points across to the meeting room. “Geoff’s in there now, trying to tell Joe Schmidt, because Taylor had an unknown pre-existing heart condition and it was uncovered because of the Bronco, how he saved a man’s life.”

Schmidt is evidently persuaded by Parling’s life-saving capabilities. Two weeks later, the Englishman turned Melbournian is confirmed as the new Wallabies’ line-out coach.

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